Abraham Lincoln, who served as the 16th President of the United States was known as a man who seldom used the word I. He had the ability to give entire speeches without using that one letter word.

There was a more recent President of the United States who used the word I over 200 times in a relatively short speech. Surprising new research from the University of Texas suggests that people who often say “I” are less powerful and less sure of themselves than those who limit their use of the word. Frequent “I” users subconsciously believe they are subordinate to the person to whom they are talking.

Using the word “I” excessively in speech or writing can also reveal a few other things about someone. It may suggest a self-centered or egocentric perspective, a lack of consideration for others’ viewpoints, or a tendency to dominate conversations.

Here’s the point: over using the word I is not good. It makes you seem very self-centered. It makes you sound like a jerk. It is not an effective way to communicate. It turns people off.

A leader who is constantly using “I” as in “I want” or “I need” or “I expect” is likely doing great harm to the morale of their team. They are in fact tearing at the fabric of the team. Not intentionally mind you, but they are damaging the team nonetheless.

Let me give you a recent example. I was on a call with a sales team and there were some tactics they needed to be executed on in a short period of time. The sales manager laid out a laundry list of things “he” needed his team to do. It was a long list of “I” need everyone doing this and “I” need everyone doing that. “I” want this level of effort and the only reason you need for doing any of that is “I want” it done.

It was a teams call so I could see the demoralized faces of the team.

After the call I suggested to the sales manager that the call may have gone better if he had just replaced each “I” with “we”. For example, “we have some ground to make up.” “We need to pull together.” “We need to do this and we need to do that.” “We need to do it together, for each other, because it’s how a true team functions.”

The sales manager was undeterred. He not so politely told me “the team” belonged to him. It’s not their team, “it’s mine.” I knew from previous conversations that this manager was basically uncoachable but I gave it a shot because the overuse of “I” in his conversations was so immensely glaring.

But maybe you’re more open to coaching and would like your conversations to be more inclusive and collaborative. The kind of conversations where both parties feel heard and valued. To do that you’ll need to limit your use of the word “I.”

If that sounds like you then here are a few quick ideas that may help.

• Ask Open-Ended Questions: Instead of starting sentences with “I think” or “I feel,” ask questions that encourage the other person to share their thoughts and experiences.

• Use Statements: Instead of saying “I believe,” state your opinion or perspective without explicitly referring to yourself. For example, say “This seems to be a good approach” instead of “I believe this is a good approach.”

• Active Listening: Show that you’re engaged in the conversation by actively listening to the other person. Respond to what they say rather than steering the conversation back to yourself.

• Empathize: When expressing understanding or empathy, focus on the other person’s feelings or experiences. For instance, say “It must be challenging for you” instead of “I understand how you feel.”

• Share Experiences Tactfully: If you need to share your experiences, do so in a way that is relevant and adds value to the conversation. Avoid dominating the discussion with personal anecdotes.

• Use “We” or “You” Instead: Instead of saying “I think we should,” consider using “Maybe we could” or “Have you considered?” This shifts the focus from your perspective to a collaborative or the other person’s viewpoint.

• Be Mindful of Tone: Pay attention to your tone to avoid sounding self-centered. Be open and inclusive in your language.

While it’s natural to use “I” at times, be conscious of overusing it. Balance your statements with a mix of inclusive language. It’ll help keep you from sounding like a jerk.

Remember, the goal is to foster a more collaborative and open conversation where both parties feel heard and valued.